One of the greatest ironies in life is that when you become a parent, you create a reflection of yourself. It takes only minutes for toddlers to mimic their models. Most of the time it’s hilarious, but as they grow older it can become quite sobering. Now we all have positive traits that make us exceptional! We also have personal flaws that children seem to have a knack for magnifying.
Here’s a few observations that a dad of three would like to share with you. I have 15, 13, & 10 year old kiddos, so maybe this could be something to pass on to some other families…
1. Encourage the greatness you see in your children. You see it. Unique talents & traits that just come natural. These are often the same items or talents that you are passionate about. This is the time in life where it’s ok to fail, and learn, and get better! You can guide ‘your reflection’ to pick the positive attributes and reject the bad ones. Help them stand on your shoulders by not repeating your mistakes.
2. Don’t engage in arguments. Quite often you’re just arguing with your exact counterpoint in personality. This will never result in either party winning. I spent a long time in shouting matches with my 9 year old son who argues exactly like I do. Much to my wife’s enjoyment, she would think it was hilarious & I would be steaming with anger! Dr Kevin Leaman taught me that the moment you engage in that conflict you have lost. Instead keep calm, take a breath and do NOT engage. You’re the parent, say your piece and send them away(or walk away yourself) give 15 minutes to calm everyone and re-engage asking “are you ready to talk calmly and with respect” this has done wonders for our family.
3. Take reflective notes. Since the undesired speech or action from your kiddo could quite possibly be rooted in your example, take inventory of yourself & make sure that there isn’t something that you need to change first so that your little ‘mirror’ follows suit. You’d be amazed at how quickly your clone will adjust course when he or she sees you change. Sometimes all they need is permission by seeing their idol or example ok with being imperfect.
Sometimes your greatest struggles with your children hit very very close to home. My son is going through a season where he blames every misstep in grades or athleticism in his life on someone or something else. I was correcting my son to stop making excuses and take ownership for his actions over and over again. It was getting frustrating how many excuses he made. Then I took a moment… I had to pause. I realized as I reflected on my own actions that he had learned this habit from me! The reason it got me sooooo upset was because it was a quality that I subconsciously hated about myself. See we often highlight areas & we say “I don’t want my children to make the same mistakes I did!” But here’s the real secret, you have to change FIRST, then they see your example of CHANGE! This is way more powerful than telling them or yelling at them. Then they see how much better life is when dad stops making excuses for things and takes ownership of his actions, they see growth! Be the change your little reflection needs to see!
Well those are my thoughts for the day. I wish the very best for you and your family today. Show them love, remind yourself & remind them how important they are to you today! They are a most precious gift!